Need computer help? Just call Kustomer Kare.

Posted: December 27, 2011 in Writing
Tags: , , , , ,

“Hello, and thank you for calling Komputer King customer service. If you are calling about a computer problem, please listen carefully to the following menu as our menu changes daily to confuse people.
If you haven’t figure out how to take the computer out of the box, please hang up and read the section in the instruction booklet entitled, ‘How to take the computer out of the box.’ This section can be located on page 37 following the safety instructions.
If you have plugged the computer in and turned it on, please press 1. No, not on the keyboard – on the telephone. If not please hang up and do so. For an example on how that works, please refer to your toaster.
If you have cleared your cache and deleted your cookies, please press 2. If not, please hang up and do so. We don’t know what that does, but it usually buys us a few hours.
If you are unable to connect to the Internet, please press 3 or visit our website at KomputerKing.Kom for a helpful video.
If your email is filling up with spam, viruses and porn, please quit visiting those websites. Yes. You are.
If your monitor is flickering or displaying odd colors, please shake that doohickey on the back a few times.
If you are having a keyboard error, please press F1 on the keyboard.
If you are not computer literate and some of these tips are beyond your capability, please reboot the computer into Safe Mode and toggle into the System Recovery Console. While simultaneously pressing the F12-Tab-Other key, do a binary dump of the boot sector and copy this data into a file using hexadecimal notation on the primary key. FTP this file to us using a secure algorithm and wait for further instructions.
Para Espanol, por favor llama otro persona, porque no hablamos espanol. Adios y buenas noches.”


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